EATING DISORDERS; what's behind the food?

By Debra Mittler CHt

Have you ever been on a diet?

Most of you probably said you have. Why is it that some people develop eating disorders and others don't?

When someone talks about an eating disorder, they are usually referring to anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating or some combination of the three.

What most people don't understand is that an eating disorder is more than just a fad or a diet, it is a behavior that saturates all parts of the person's life; it's physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Focusing on food, weight, calories and exercise becomes a way to cope with feelings, emotions and life circumstances, but it doesn't start out that way. When a person first engages in eating disorder behavior they usually do it to lose weight. After awhile they become hooked, the behavior becomes automatic, and the person consciously or unconsciously uses eating disorder behaviors as a way to numb out, to cope and/or to survive.

The eating disorder is an outer a symptom that something is not right with the person internally. When someone has an eating disorder it usually means that the person's food is “out of order” which is symbolic of their life being out of order.

Imagine a young girl, who at the age of thirteen was told by her doctor to lose weight, and went from 140 pounds down to 80 pounds in just 6 months, and for the next 23 years of her life, was in and out of treatment centers and hospitals fighting a life and death battle with anorexia, bingeing, compulsive exercise, self hatred and suicide.

I know first hand what it's like to have an eating disorder; because that young girl was me. Growing up I didn't liked who I was. “I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, and I'm not thin enough.” A recording was constantly playing in my mind, “I'm unattractive, and nobody likes me.”

As a young child I felt like I couldn't do anything right. If I cried, the people around me would say “stop crying.” If I was scared they would say, “There's nothing to be scared about.” If I was excited, they would say “calm down.” I started to believe that there was something wrong with me and began to deny my own feelings and experiences.

From my earliest memory food was all I would think about. In school I couldn't wait to get home because as soon as I got home food was there with open arms waiting for me. I was in love with food and spent a lot of time with it, food became my best friend. Since the mind can only focus on one thing at a time, when I was focusing on food, I didn't have to deal with the confusion, pain and emptiness that I would otherwise be experiencing.

Eating was something that consumed most of my time. I watched TV and ate, I hid in the closet and under the bed and ate, and I would steal money from my mom to go buy food and sit on the corner of my street and eat. “I love you food, you are always here for me.”

At age thirteen I was told by a doctor to lose weight and this was when my relationship with food changed. Instead of eating it, I would just smell it, and then throw it down the garbage disposal. I became angry at food. Whenever I saw it I thought “You're making me fat, that's why nobody likes me.” I started to blame my body for how I felt. I began to eat less and less, deny my own needs and focused all my energy on taking care of the people around me, trying to please them. “Will you love me if I cook and clean for you, how about if I agree with you and do exactly what you say, will you love me then?” Even when I did these things, it still wasn't good enough and I felt like a failure.

“Hello exercise.” As I was slowly letting go of food, exercise became my next best friend. I didn't exercise a lot at the beginning, but when I started losing weight, I began to exercise more and more. Not only did it make me feel good, but it helped me to lose weight. Both the feeling of exercise, starving and losing weight was so gratifying that I didn't want to stop. Soon I became hooked; I found a way to numb out and medicate the parts of myself that were hurting.

My relationship with food now became a secret love affair. When I was with food no one was allowed to disturb me or see me eat, it was as if I was doing something bad. My family knew to respect my privacy while I was eating and I began to use the eating disorder behaviors instead of speaking up for myself. I used it to set boundaries, protect myself and to feel like I had a sense of control.

I was so hungry and wanted to eat, but it was a struggle because I thought if I did, I would get fat. Whenever I did eat I would get a sick feeling in my gut and I would exercise until that feeling went away. The more I cut back on food, the more bizarre my eating became. “Okay cheerios, I see you, I will eat six of you one at a time. I see you banana, but you are too big. I'll cut you in half, nope, still too big. Okay, I'll eat you but I'll have to cut you in thirty pieces so you will last a long time.” I stopped using utensils and ate everything with my fingers; it was easier to eat slowly that way. As I continued to cut back on food, I began to feel more and more frightened to eat. If I did a “good job” of restricting during the week, then on Monday I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted.

“Finally, it's Monday, I'm free. Come here ice cream, ooh and chocolate cupcakes, and my favorite chocolate peanut butter cups, I see you pop-tarts, chocolate pudding, brownies, finally, I get to eat.”

I ate the same foods, at the same time, in the same way everyday, unless it was Monday, which was binge day. Eating this way became my “comfort” zone (so I thought) actually I never felt comfortable; it was just a shield that I hid behind and structure I created that “I thought” kept me “safe.”

Everywhere I went people were telling me; “wow Debra, you look great.” I began to build my sense of self around the success and positive attention I got for being thin. For the first time in my life I felt acknowledged and appreciated. I thought, “This is the best feeling ever.” The anorexia became my mask, my identity, my protector and my savior.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were upset, worried or anxious and finally found something that made you feel better? And what was it that made you feel better? And did you continue to go back to that person, place or thing to help you feel better? Well, this is how addictions often start. Whenever I felt bad, I would engage in the eating disorder behavior to feel better. At the beginning I used the behaviors to lose weight, and because losing weight made me feel good, over time I would engage in the behaviors to cope with uncomfortable feelings and situations. After awhile I became trapped and I became a stimulus response machine. My mind took over, my behavior became automatic making it more difficult to stop and I was on a path of self destruction.

After dwindling down to 80 pounds at 5 feet 6 inches tall, I entered my first hospital at age 14, and for the next 23 years of my life I lived in an eating—exercising trance. At the beginning it gave me a sense of power and control, but after awhile I was being controlled by my thoughts and behavior and I felt like I no longer had a choice. There were times when I was so desperate to stop the behavior and when I couldn't, I attempted to kill myself thinking that would be the only solution.

My life was consumed by eating disorder behaviors. If I wasn't eating, I was exercising, reading cook books or baking for others. I loved food and was obsessed with it, but I didn't allow myself to enjoy it because of the association I had with it. Having food inside me gave me a sense of connection to my body, and I didn't want to be connected to something I hated (which was me). Whenever I ate, my emotions and feelings became more intense. I used food as a child to stuff down all my uncomfortable feelings. Now when I ate, those feelings would surface and I didn't want to feel them so I would exercise all day because it was the only way I thought I could feel better.

If I sat still for longer than a minute I literally saw my thighs spreading right before my eyes. When I looked in the mirror I saw myself as a 500 pound woman even though I weighed 80 pounds. All my fears, negative thoughts and feelings were being transferred into how I viewed my body. If anyone asked me how I felt, I would say, “I feel fat.” Fat was how I described all my feelings.

I was forcing my body into a form approved by others but completely opposite from my true nature. Food, exercise, my body and love all became intertwined. The feeling of food inside my body triggered a panic response and I would immediately exercise to “soothe it.” The feelings didn't go away; I was just pushing them down more and more by running.

Being so consumed with food and exercise I didn‘t have to deal with anything else. I was determined to stop the process of life. “I don't want to grow up; I don't want to take personal responsibility, I don't deserve to live, please someone, show me you love me by taking care of me.” I was frightened of everyone and everything and by living by a strict and rigid schedule around eating and exercising; it gave me a pseudo sense of structure, consistency and safety.

Everyone around me got frustrated because they didn't understand; know what to do or how to help. At the beginning I got praise for losing weight, but when I became too thin, I received blame, anger and resentment from significant others. The things that were said to me made me feel even worse about myself, and I would continue to starve and/or binge and exercise to escape those feelings. It was a lose-lose situation all around.

My inner and outer worlds seemed too frightening and the eating disorder became my protection. I did it for so long; it turned into my identity and automatic way of life. I was a robot, existing but not living. My body was just a vehicle responding and reacting to the dictates of my mind. The more I did the behavior, the more I impressed the thoughts and ideas on my subconscious mind, making them fixed and habituated.

I continued to get worse over the years even after going through numerous hospitals and treatment centers. I ran to hospitals and treatment centers looking and begging for some relief, which I got, but it was only momentarily. As soon as I left, I resorted right back to the eating disorder behaviors and once again became trapped. I temporarily changed my physical appearance, but I never changed the unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs I held about myself and the world, thus I automatically went back to my old patterns. I was filled with so much fear and self hatred and didn't feel that I deserved to or even wanted to live.

My life was contained and controlled. I built a wall around myself, allowing nothing to come in and I wouldn't come out. I didn't travel because I wouldn't have access to my “safe foods.” I limited my time with people because it would get in the way of eating or exercising. I was locked inside my “safe” house or should I say a prison of my own creation, looking out the windows and watching everyone else enjoying their lives. I was playing two roles, the mean prison guard and the prisoner.

The eating disorder became a mask that was comfortable, not because it fit, but because I did it for so long. It was the only way I knew how to live and how to function in a world that seemed so overwhelming and confusing.

People would say to me, “I wish I was as thin as you. Or I wish I was anorexic.” I don't think they truly understood the torture I was living in. Most people think that it's just about being thin and able to control food. I always wanted to say; “Okay, you want to be anorexic; here's the deal, NO MORE FUN, EVER AGAIN! How's that! “You can only eat certain foods, and they must be eaten at a certain time in a certain way, you can't change your schedule for any reason, you have to wake up at the same time every morning, you must keep moving all day long to burn calories, you can't try anything new because you won't like it and you'll fail, you can buy new clothes but you can't wear them, you must put others first, you must constantly put yourself down, do you want me to keep going because there's more.”

Doctors, treatment centers and hospitals wouldn't allow me to come back after numerous visits. It seemed as if everyone gave up on me. This was actually the best thing that happened because I kept doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.

The anorexia served a purpose in my life; it gave me a sense of comfort, safety, and control. It worked up until the moment it didn't. By allowing myself to be in the process of life, being conscious and aware of the choices I am making, and not run back to eating disorder behaviors every time things seemed hard, I started to get in touch with “the real me” and live from my authentic self and desires and as I did, the eating disorder started to slowly fade. Yes, life does have its challenges, and these challenges are here to make us stronger. When I face them consciously and walk through the fear, I get to learn and grow and it's really not as frightening as I imagined.

I'm very grateful for everything that has happened and continues to happen in my life, it has made me who I am today. Through my experiences I gain tremendous insight and become more enlightened. Life is process, a never ending journey and everyday we have the opportunity to learn something new and exciting about ourselves and the world around us.

Suggestions to overcome an
eating disorder

- First and foremost know you've done nothing wrong. Be gentle and loving with yourself and treat yourself as if you were the most important person in the world, because you are. Recovery is a process. Don't beat yourself up if you fall back, just get right back up from where you are and continue to move forward.

- Embrace all your experiences from the past and in the present because they serve a purpose. See what you can learn from them, you might want to try viewing them from a different perspective.

- Forgive yourself for any judgments you've made about yourself or others.

- Surround yourself with people who support and love you unconditionally. People who allow you to have you own feelings and experiences without trying to change them.

- Allow yourself to experience your feelings without analyzing or judging them. It might be difficult at first, but if you stay with it, it does get easier. Once you allow yourself to experience your feelings fully, you will be able to receive the messages they are bringing you. This can open a door of tremendous insight and guidance. When we let go of something old, we allow something new to emerge.

- Become a non judgmental observer of the eating disorder behavior and say “Isn't that interesting that when I feel…. ..I, or “Isn't that interesting that when I do….. I……” As you watch yourself a neutral observer it can bring insight into why you do the behavior.

- Start to listen to the thoughts you think and the words you speak. Play around with new thoughts and words and as you do, notice how you feel in your body. For instance, if you say “It's too hard to……..” change it and say “what if it was easy, what would that be like?”

- Speak your truth regardless how you might think others will respond. It might be frightening at first, however, the more you do it, the easier it will become.

- Talk to the eating disorder; ask it why it is in your life. It serves a positive purpose. Find new healthy ways to get your needs met.

- When feeling upset, anxious or any overwhelming feeling, write about it. Just write anything that comes to mind, it doesn't have to make sense. The point is to get it out of your system so you don't act it out in destructive behaviors.

- Work with a professional who can help you reframe past hurts, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs you hold about yourself, others, food or your body. Hypnosis can be a powerful modality because the mind doesn't know the difference between what is real or imagined, and during a hypnosis session it can be a safe place for you to experience your feelings and imagine what it could be like to think and act differently. In this relaxed state you also have the ability to access your inner wisdom and discover unconscious beliefs that are possibly driving your behavior and update them to new healthy ones that allow you to live the life you desire.

- Meditation can also be a great way to connect with your inner wisdom. There is a wise being inside of you who has the answers to your life.

- Everyday do something new, even if it's just getting out of bed on a different side. Once your subconscious mind becomes familiar with change, it will be open to more. By aligning your conscious mind with your subconscious, you'll become more relaxed and peaceful and your life will start to flow more easily.

Again, this is a process; remember to be gentle and loving with yourself. You are a precious gift, take some time to get to know the beautiful being you are. You are already perfect; you have all the qualities inside you to be you. You deserve to live a happy, peaceful and live an abundant life.

We are more than just a body, there is a tender spirit inside each one of us that is beautiful, happy, and loving, and wants to shine. Will you let it?  

Debra Mittler is the author of Free yourself from Anorexia and Bulimia now available at www.HypnosisIsFreedom.com and Amazon.com. Along with her personal journey of insight and revelation are a series of step-by-step processes and questionnaires designed to help the reader build confidence, improve self esteem, and replace negative thinking patterns and behaviors with positive ones that build personal growth, strength and power.

Debra Mittler is a Certified Hypnotherapist, Author and Life Coach in Culver City, California and is a regular guest speaker at hospitals, colleges and universities throughout Southern California .

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